How to Help Someone Grieving:
| What NOT to Say | Why It Hurts | What to Say Instead |
|---|---|---|
| “I know how you feel.” | Minimizes their experience — grief is unique. | “I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m here for you.” |
| “They’re in a better place.” | Dismisses ongoing pain and grief. | “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m thinking of you.” |
| “At least…” | Compares grief and invalidates feelings. | “I’m sorry you’re going through this.” |
| “Time heals all wounds.” | Implies they need to “move on” too fast. | “Take all the time you need. I’m here.” |
| “They wouldn’t want you sad.” | Imposes emotional expectations. | “I’m here to support you however you need.” |
| “How are you?” | Too broad; grief isn’t easily summed up. | “How are you today?” or “I’m checking in—how are you feeling right now?” |
| “You’re so strong.” | Can pressure them to hide pain. | “I admire your resilience—and I’m with you.” |
| “Call me if you need anything.” | Often goes unfulfilled; puts burden on them. | “I’ve got dinner ready—can I drop it off Tuesday?” |
| “Everything happens for a reason.” | Rushing toward meaning can feel insensitive. | “I don’t know why this happened, but I care about you.” |
| “Let me know if you need anything.” | Too vague and hard to act on. | “If you’d like company tomorrow, I’m free to sit together.” |
Understanding Grief
It’s Physical and Biochemical—Not Just Emotional
Grief isn’t just about emotions; it actually changes how our bodies and brains function:
Biology of Grief
Grief activates the brain’s threat response—raising heart rate and blood pressure, and flooding the body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline.
Physical Symptoms are Real
Many experience physical signs like headaches, digestive issues, chest tightness, muscle pain, and immune suppression.
Broken-Heart Syndrome
Severe grief can lead to condition like “broken-heart syndrome” (Takotsubo), impacting heart function—research shows therapy and exercise can help.
Prolonged Grief Has Long-Term Risks
People with intense, lasting grief have significantly higher risks of heart disease, mental health struggles, and earlier mortality.
Key Takeaway
Grief isn’t a weakness—it’s a deep biological response. You can’t “just get over it.” Healing takes care—mind, body, and time.
Looking for Deeper Learning?
The Neuroscience of Grief – How loss rewires brain, affects memory, sleep, concentration.
Grief Can Be Deadly – Adults experiencing prolonged grief have significantly higher mortality rates over 10 years.
Broken-Heart Syndrome – Clinical trial on how CBT and exercise benefit heart after severe emotional loss.
Web-Based Grief Interventions – Online therapy reduces symptoms of grief, depression, PTSD.
Resilience and Gratitude in Grief – Research finding links between gratitude, meaning-making, and healing.
Disenfranchised Grief – Understanding forms of grief not socially recognized (e.g., pet, miscarriage, estranged relationships).
Frontiers in Bereavement Research – Overview of grief research history and resilience findings.
APA Podcast with Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor – Discussion about the brain, grief, depression, and support.